The Japanese love to give out apples during winter, saying, “My Neighbor/Relative grew these extra apples, douzo.”
Domo Arigatou Mr. Roboto
My tutor and one of my JTE’s gave them to me, and these things are HUGE. If you were to go to the store, they would be at least $3 or $4 bucks a piece. I also saw some of these bigger “Japanese Pears.” They were the size of MELONS. Pamela pre-reduction. Massive. I thought they were fake…but they were real. Not Pamela. I laughed really loud in the produce section and some old lady smiled and winked. She didn’t actually do that.
Wishful Thinking.
Cutlural Note:
1. Domo Arigatou Mr. Roboto – In Japanese means, Thank you Mr. Robot
2. Japanese Pear – Looks like apples, feels like apples, and tastes like a mix between a pear and an apple.
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Working During the Holidays
So I’ve had to work during the holidays this year. The reason being that half of my vacation days will be over by February. And I can’t use ‘em all up when people have made plans to come here, now can I?.... Uhhh, so I was pretty much content with my decision until Christmas Eve.
My birthday was good, no qualms there. The most dangerous man on the entire planet invited me to his lair, where he eats babies, and THEN molests them. Can’t forget puppies/kittens and old people either. He made the best stir-fry I’ve ever had in Japan, and we proceeded to watch this sort of mystery rock musical. Went home, made myself a Mexican feast of epic proportions. Touched myself, then fell asleep.
Christmas Eve rolls around, doin’ fine. Then my JTE’s start to ask me what I’m doing for Christmas Eve. That's when it starts. I tell them I have no plans, and sympathetically they say, “Ohhhh…Well when does your sister come in?” On Sunday I say. “Ohhh, AFTER Christmas…Well I’m sure you’ll have fun. (Awkward Smile)” Happened twice pretty much the same way.
Then as I’m getting ready to unlock my bike and make another feast of epic proportions (chicken, mashed potatoes, and stuffing, all splattered with my “Homemade Gravy”), my vice-principal comes up to me. “Hi Mashoo! What you do, uh, tonight?” Making a big dinner, spreading my hands out. “Be with Girlfriendo?” No, no, no, bitches are too complicated. “Friendo?” All out of town. “… Your sister come Sunday “Ne”? Sounds,…fun. Haha… Seeyou!”
…
Christmas Day. Because of the incredibly awkward conversations the day before, they all avoid me except for saying “Good Morning” and “Merry Christmas.” My direct supervisor, though, gave me a tea-cup with all the kanji for different fish. She also managed to take out all of the chocolates beforehand, and then put it back in it’s package. It’s the thought that counts of course, and of course I was happy to get a present.
Mark my words though. I’m never, with all the power I have, not working on Christmas ever again. EVER. It doesn’t matter where I’m at next year, but I will not be in the school.
Cultural Note:
1. JTE – Japanese Teacher of English, Native Japanese English speakers.
2. “Ne” – Sort of like fishing for an agreement at the end of a sentence, like, “Right?”
3. Kanji – (Khan-Jee) – Japanese alphabet of pictographs.
My birthday was good, no qualms there. The most dangerous man on the entire planet invited me to his lair, where he eats babies, and THEN molests them. Can’t forget puppies/kittens and old people either. He made the best stir-fry I’ve ever had in Japan, and we proceeded to watch this sort of mystery rock musical. Went home, made myself a Mexican feast of epic proportions. Touched myself, then fell asleep.
Christmas Eve rolls around, doin’ fine. Then my JTE’s start to ask me what I’m doing for Christmas Eve. That's when it starts. I tell them I have no plans, and sympathetically they say, “Ohhhh…Well when does your sister come in?” On Sunday I say. “Ohhh, AFTER Christmas…Well I’m sure you’ll have fun. (Awkward Smile)” Happened twice pretty much the same way.
Then as I’m getting ready to unlock my bike and make another feast of epic proportions (chicken, mashed potatoes, and stuffing, all splattered with my “Homemade Gravy”), my vice-principal comes up to me. “Hi Mashoo! What you do, uh, tonight?” Making a big dinner, spreading my hands out. “Be with Girlfriendo?” No, no, no, bitches are too complicated. “Friendo?” All out of town. “… Your sister come Sunday “Ne”? Sounds,…fun. Haha… Seeyou!”
…
Christmas Day. Because of the incredibly awkward conversations the day before, they all avoid me except for saying “Good Morning” and “Merry Christmas.” My direct supervisor, though, gave me a tea-cup with all the kanji for different fish. She also managed to take out all of the chocolates beforehand, and then put it back in it’s package. It’s the thought that counts of course, and of course I was happy to get a present.
Mark my words though. I’m never, with all the power I have, not working on Christmas ever again. EVER. It doesn’t matter where I’m at next year, but I will not be in the school.
Cultural Note:
1. JTE – Japanese Teacher of English, Native Japanese English speakers.
2. “Ne” – Sort of like fishing for an agreement at the end of a sentence, like, “Right?”
3. Kanji – (Khan-Jee) – Japanese alphabet of pictographs.
Funny Girl/ Laughing Boy
One of the first graders at my school has one of the funniest faces. When she’s in class and the teacher says something that she doesn’t understand, she makes this face. The only way to describe it would be an awkward/uncomfortable/constipated face, with emphasis on the constipated part.
One of the second graders that I teach has been dubbed The Laughing Boy. He’s ridiculous. Never does his homework, doesn’t understand English, and all he does is laugh and smile. And it’s really hard for me to not laugh either. So I have to avoid looking in his direction of the room, but then it’s really awkward because I’m only talking to half of the class. And when I do look over, all I do is laugh and then the whole class starts to laugh. My teacher always asks me if I’m alright. Unprofessional.
Cultural Note:
1. Funny Girl – A Broadway musical, then film starring BARBARA STREISAND.
One of the second graders that I teach has been dubbed The Laughing Boy. He’s ridiculous. Never does his homework, doesn’t understand English, and all he does is laugh and smile. And it’s really hard for me to not laugh either. So I have to avoid looking in his direction of the room, but then it’s really awkward because I’m only talking to half of the class. And when I do look over, all I do is laugh and then the whole class starts to laugh. My teacher always asks me if I’m alright. Unprofessional.
Cultural Note:
1. Funny Girl – A Broadway musical, then film starring BARBARA STREISAND.
Tattoo
On my way down to Tokyo a little while back, I realized that I really regret not getting that tattoo before I left. Really regretted. When I get back, that’s one of my goals.
The Cold
Iwaki is north of Tokyo, and anything North of Tokyo is bound to get a little snow. Because I’m close to the coast though, it snows only a handful of times during the year. That doesn't mean it’s warm though. Quite the opposite. This week, it gets below freezing, and I’m having a hard time with anything lower than 10° C. I hear a lot of, “Quit being a little bitch, it’s not even cold,” or, “Grow some cahones man.” I’m sorry that I don’t subjugate myself to bad weather. I’m not masochistic. But you guys who aren’t complaining, you’re so fricken’ hard, so hard like Rambo. You guys are my idols, I wish I could be like you! Be Tee Dub, If I were to grow some beans to make my frank and beans setto complete, they wouldn’t even see the light of day until next spring. Not only because I’m not getting laid, but because they’d be too far into my body.
Cultural Note:
1. Setto – (Se-toe) – Japanese bastardization of Combo
Cultural Note:
1. Setto – (Se-toe) – Japanese bastardization of Combo
The Dark Tower
Renewing my interest in books while I sit at my desk, hours at a time, I’ve been reading The Dark Tower series by Stephen King. It’s a 7-book series, which is a mingling of the fantasy, science fiction, horror, adventure, and western genres. It’s amazing. But as I’ve made my way through the first 5 books and already ¾’s of the way done with the 6th, a sadness inside me is building. Like when Jason, Zach, and Trini left the Power Rangers. WTF else am I gonna read? No more epics, now just stand alone books, and I’m not about to start reading Harry Potter. That's only for those wanna-be-witches. Fantasy. Pure Fantasy. Like people who think they can become ninjas. WHOOOA! I got a ninja star and a black mask and can do a back flip. Leave it for the turtles. If anyone has any good suggestions, please tell me. PREASE.
Cultural Note:
1. Jason, Zack, and Trini – Three of the original Power Rangers.
2. Turtles – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Cultural Note:
1. Jason, Zack, and Trini – Three of the original Power Rangers.
2. Turtles – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.
Origami
During Kindergarten week, We had to prepare for lessons with games or something to entertain the whipper snappers. I decided origami would be cool to try. So I looked online for some Christmas origami. I brought it to one of the schools but, WHOOPS! The kids are too young and can’t follow the directions. Bull Shiite. I get back to the base school and sulk, because my idea was too advanced for the people behind “I want my MPG” cars, which made me try it out. That shit was hard. That. Is. What. She. Said. My Santa hat came out like the Leaning Tower of Pisa. My reindeer looked like a confused dog, and my holly looked like a hotdog. How does that happen? Throw me a fricken bone here.
Cultural Note:
1. Origami – (Oh-Re-Gaw-Me) – Paper folded into different shapes.
2. “I want my MPG” – Toyota commercials for their Prius Hybrid, and other gas efficient cars.
Cultural Note:
1. Origami – (Oh-Re-Gaw-Me) – Paper folded into different shapes.
2. “I want my MPG” – Toyota commercials for their Prius Hybrid, and other gas efficient cars.
Sleeping In/ Kindergarten Week
This week, we’ve been visiting kindergartens. Aside from the sweet(ass) little kids, the schedule made it for me. We were able to sleep in until about 8, and didn’t have to be ready to go until about 9. That extra hour made it for me. But it all fell apart. Chinua Achebe. For some unknown reason, the Vice-Principal, after asking and verifying very thoroughly that we were to leave from our apts and not the school, told us on Wednesday that we have to be at the school at regular time, until regular time. Bust.
Going to the kindergartens has been awesome. First off, it’s the week before Christmas so a lot of them are doing Christmas themed days with us coming in. Two of those days we’ve dressed up too. I’m not a very believable Santa, but little kids are stupid, especially ones that only have their eyes half open, if at all. I’m doing the “Ho Ho Ho fo sho” ‘s and the “Merry Christmas, you Buddhists” routines, and the kids are eating that shit up. Picking their noses, eating boogers, fisting their mouths, hands down the pants, the whole nine yards…SOOOOO cute! I just want to kidnap them and sell them as slaves.
Cultural Note:
1. Chinua Achebe – (Chen-Wa Ah-Che-Bay) – Author of the novel “Things Fall Apart.”
Going to the kindergartens has been awesome. First off, it’s the week before Christmas so a lot of them are doing Christmas themed days with us coming in. Two of those days we’ve dressed up too. I’m not a very believable Santa, but little kids are stupid, especially ones that only have their eyes half open, if at all. I’m doing the “Ho Ho Ho fo sho” ‘s and the “Merry Christmas, you Buddhists” routines, and the kids are eating that shit up. Picking their noses, eating boogers, fisting their mouths, hands down the pants, the whole nine yards…SOOOOO cute! I just want to kidnap them and sell them as slaves.
Cultural Note:
1. Chinua Achebe – (Chen-Wa Ah-Che-Bay) – Author of the novel “Things Fall Apart.”
Highlight of the Week
It’s been about 5 months since I got here, and the holidays and my birthday are fast approaching. This happy time of year makes me think of all the happy things that I experience here in Japan.
When I first got here, my greatest joy was going out on Friday night with the guys from Iwaki, getting a few beers and eating yakiniku. Things have changed though. Meat doesn’t satisfy me the way it used to... I get my kicks in the more simple ways. Going to my tutoring lessons on Tuesdays and sitting there for an hour trying to pick the rice out of my ears to understand what my tutor is trying to say. Then afterwards, having a nice home-cooked meal with her two daughters, one of them being my student. Oh, and the dog Bell, who likes to eat and play in her own poop. GOOD GIRL!
The other two are watching weekly episodes of Heroes and The Office. So really, I’m watching a knockoff of the X-Men cartoon and the best show EVER, since Three’s Company. Life is so sweet. Just like 45 year old asses. Sorry. I mean 40 5-year-old asses.
When I first got here, my greatest joy was going out on Friday night with the guys from Iwaki, getting a few beers and eating yakiniku. Things have changed though. Meat doesn’t satisfy me the way it used to... I get my kicks in the more simple ways. Going to my tutoring lessons on Tuesdays and sitting there for an hour trying to pick the rice out of my ears to understand what my tutor is trying to say. Then afterwards, having a nice home-cooked meal with her two daughters, one of them being my student. Oh, and the dog Bell, who likes to eat and play in her own poop. GOOD GIRL!
The other two are watching weekly episodes of Heroes and The Office. So really, I’m watching a knockoff of the X-Men cartoon and the best show EVER, since Three’s Company. Life is so sweet. Just like 45 year old asses. Sorry. I mean 40 5-year-old asses.
D-Land
A Bunch of us Fukushima JET’s went to Disneyland over the past weekend. It’s an ok substitute for what’s back home, but nothing can make up for the fact that the best rides are missing. Indiana Jones & The Matterhorn.
It was really interesting to go with all the people that haven’t been to any Disneyland before. They got really excited, like dogs when they piss all over you and themselves. I didn’t even bring an extra pair of pants/shoes or socks to the park. Might as well have been on Splash Mountain all day.
The most awkward part of the day was during the electric lights parade. I had to go to the bathroom in one of the Tomorrowland restaurants and the place was packed. Navigating was a bitch. Then I finally find the area it’s in, but I’m blocked out by two girls and a woman breast-feeding her bay-bay. I tried to get around them, but there were so many fricken people. Then the woman thought I was staring at her and gave me a funny look. ON TOP OF THAT, the kid shifted it’s eyes to me too, and looked at me with a, “Bro. You need to find your own teet, this bitch is mine.” So I pushed the two girls down, and trampled them like a super savings day at Walmart.
It was really interesting to go with all the people that haven’t been to any Disneyland before. They got really excited, like dogs when they piss all over you and themselves. I didn’t even bring an extra pair of pants/shoes or socks to the park. Might as well have been on Splash Mountain all day.
The most awkward part of the day was during the electric lights parade. I had to go to the bathroom in one of the Tomorrowland restaurants and the place was packed. Navigating was a bitch. Then I finally find the area it’s in, but I’m blocked out by two girls and a woman breast-feeding her bay-bay. I tried to get around them, but there were so many fricken people. Then the woman thought I was staring at her and gave me a funny look. ON TOP OF THAT, the kid shifted it’s eyes to me too, and looked at me with a, “Bro. You need to find your own teet, this bitch is mine.” So I pushed the two girls down, and trampled them like a super savings day at Walmart.
Hardest Part of the Job
After being here for nearly 5 months, I have realized what the hardest part of this job is. It’s staying up at your desk. When this first became an issue, I was drinking about 4 cans of coffee a day. Then the after effects were always in the back of my mind. Stained teeth, smelly breath, the caffeine withdrawal, and in particular, increased fatigue. I was beat. More beat than that asian girl with herpes that Prosser was hooking up with while she was on the rag. The same one that Vossler slapped the sandwich out of her hand and made cry. Completely beat.
So then I turned to soda. But then I got yelled at because the students aren’t allowed to drink it, so as not to be a bad influence. I was shaking bad though after the 3rd can of soda. Shakier than a… “Coke” head? HAHAHA. Then I started to drink tea. F. Like that would work. I just got even more relaxed, and would dose off even quicker.
My make-shift solution though is to drink a ridiculous amount of water. The reason this works is because I’m constantly getting up to go to the bathroom. I feel like that woman who drank water to get the Wii, except I haven’t drowned my body.
The only other way to deal with this problem is to keep busy reading a novel or by studying, but my eyes start to hurt and studying has never been one of my good skills.
So then I turned to soda. But then I got yelled at because the students aren’t allowed to drink it, so as not to be a bad influence. I was shaking bad though after the 3rd can of soda. Shakier than a… “Coke” head? HAHAHA. Then I started to drink tea. F. Like that would work. I just got even more relaxed, and would dose off even quicker.
My make-shift solution though is to drink a ridiculous amount of water. The reason this works is because I’m constantly getting up to go to the bathroom. I feel like that woman who drank water to get the Wii, except I haven’t drowned my body.
The only other way to deal with this problem is to keep busy reading a novel or by studying, but my eyes start to hurt and studying has never been one of my good skills.
The Drug Question
I’ve been staying at my schools later and later these days, so I can maybe get the teachers to like me a little more. The teachers are much different during this time, opening up and becoming much friendlier. Maybe too friendly my butt hurts and my jaw’s really sore.
One of the English teachers actually asked me if I do drugs. My answer was lighting fast though. Faster than the Fyastest Zombie. “No, just drinking.” And then he smiled at me thinking I was lying and it got awkward because I started to smile and then he nodded with a face that said, “You’re not a fyast enough Zombie.”
Then I Tried to cover for myself, bringing up High School and Starbucks, havens for illicit drug use. Then he started to talk about it in Broken English, while I said “Ahhh…ohhh,” and the standard. I didn’t understand what he said.
Cultural Note:
1. Fyastest Zombie – First encountered in 28 Days Later, and subsequent Zombie movies. So Fast, they’re Fyast.
One of the English teachers actually asked me if I do drugs. My answer was lighting fast though. Faster than the Fyastest Zombie. “No, just drinking.” And then he smiled at me thinking I was lying and it got awkward because I started to smile and then he nodded with a face that said, “You’re not a fyast enough Zombie.”
Then I Tried to cover for myself, bringing up High School and Starbucks, havens for illicit drug use. Then he started to talk about it in Broken English, while I said “Ahhh…ohhh,” and the standard. I didn’t understand what he said.
Cultural Note:
1. Fyastest Zombie – First encountered in 28 Days Later, and subsequent Zombie movies. So Fast, they’re Fyast.
Hai As A Kite
One of my schools is home to the one and only “Hai” guy. He’s actually in the Guinness Book of World Records for saying “hai” the most during a 10-minute conversation. Tallied at 141 times, the Hai Guy dwarfs the competition.
The second time I heard him, he only said it about 60 times during a 5-minute conversation, but it stopped being funny. He sounds like a mixture of Dumbledore from the first two Harry Potter movies and Gary Busey. That might actually be the most hoarse voice of all time. Horses of Courses.
Cultural Note:
1. Hai – (Hi) – The standard acknowledgment word. Said very frequently. Also the most notable word in the Japanese vocabulary, next to sushi, ramen, geisha, and good hard sex.
The second time I heard him, he only said it about 60 times during a 5-minute conversation, but it stopped being funny. He sounds like a mixture of Dumbledore from the first two Harry Potter movies and Gary Busey. That might actually be the most hoarse voice of all time. Horses of Courses.
Cultural Note:
1. Hai – (Hi) – The standard acknowledgment word. Said very frequently. Also the most notable word in the Japanese vocabulary, next to sushi, ramen, geisha, and good hard sex.
Super Special Rice Team
At most of my schools, I teach at least 1 special needs class a week. The most recent school I went to, I taught the “Sakura” class.
Before I came here, my impression of special ed teachers was that they have so much patience that they too, must be “special.” I really don’t know how to explain it, but something about the kids is really endearing. For instance, they do the goofiest shit with the goofiest faces, and they don’t have Bell’s Palsy either.
One girl must have been watching the Star Wars movies because in the middle of Christmas arts and crafts session, she started to sing the Darth Vader theme song. Then, she dropped her colored pencils and glue stick and slowly raised her hands, palms facing the ceiling and saying, “Emi! Who am I? I... Am…Darth Vader! HA HA HA.” Special needs girl.
During the second week, still doing Christmas lessons, I made a Christmas CD and we handed out Jingle Bells lyrics to the kids. They really, really, REALLY liked the Jingle Bells song. They kept playing it until the most special boy screamed and grabbed the remote from one of the other students and put the controller on the other side of the room.
Cultural Note:
1. Sakura – (Sah-Koo-Rah) – Cherry Blossom in Japanese.
2. Bell’s Palsy – Paralysis of a cranial nerve, where the affected side of the face droops.
Before I came here, my impression of special ed teachers was that they have so much patience that they too, must be “special.” I really don’t know how to explain it, but something about the kids is really endearing. For instance, they do the goofiest shit with the goofiest faces, and they don’t have Bell’s Palsy either.
One girl must have been watching the Star Wars movies because in the middle of Christmas arts and crafts session, she started to sing the Darth Vader theme song. Then, she dropped her colored pencils and glue stick and slowly raised her hands, palms facing the ceiling and saying, “Emi! Who am I? I... Am…Darth Vader! HA HA HA.” Special needs girl.
During the second week, still doing Christmas lessons, I made a Christmas CD and we handed out Jingle Bells lyrics to the kids. They really, really, REALLY liked the Jingle Bells song. They kept playing it until the most special boy screamed and grabbed the remote from one of the other students and put the controller on the other side of the room.
Cultural Note:
1. Sakura – (Sah-Koo-Rah) – Cherry Blossom in Japanese.
2. Bell’s Palsy – Paralysis of a cranial nerve, where the affected side of the face droops.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
