Sunday, February 22, 2009

Christmas Vacation

For the Holiday Season, my sister came to Japan for the 1st time. While I had done this tour before, it was much different this time around. Mainly because I was able to relax with someone like myself, instead of with a group of 30-somethings who only wanted to
visit maid cafes and Akihabara porn shops. However, because we did things that non-Japanese girl-Lesbian-Anime-Porn obsessed people do, we were being stalked by an even more sweaty and crazed menace… Catbus.

These blogs will document our travels into Japan’s underworld and our eventual salvation at the hands of Fring Bird. Enjoy.

Cultural Notes

None. Items will be referenced in the following blogs.

Nara Deer

In Nara, there are a ton of temples. The whole place is a cultural heritage site. Really, it’s just a huge park with temples all over…and DEER. Random. Ass. DEER. Frolicking about. Bambi.

As we walked, we discovered the first sign of the beasts based on their droppings: too big for a rabbit, but too clumpy to be a dog. This = Deer.

So we found a vendor selling deer bait (stale old senbei), and lured those buggers into our trap. Our petting trap. But then we were overwhelmed. Ryoko got scared, but she didn’t know the secret to getting them off. A swift kick in the cahones. And in the case of a girl deer, aim for the vaj.

Cultural Note:

1. Senbei – (Sen-bay) – Rice Cracker

Chinese food/ Pizza Hut/ Shabu Shabu (Osaka Food)

The Chinese food in Osaka is exceptional, but I think it’s only because it tastes a lot like the Chinese back home. We ate Mabo Tofu, grilled vegetables, and some shumai. The only problem was that it was run by Chinese people. And despite it being Japan, this close to China… you never know what’s going into that food…do…ca…pand… MSG! NOOO!

I also had Pizza Hut for the first time in years. It was amazing.

Shabu Shabu is a pretty good local specialty too. The great thing about shabu shabu is the peanut sauce. It might even be better than yakiniku sex sauce. I was putting peanut sauce on everything, including my nipples. I ruined my shirt.

Cultural Note:

1. Mabo Tofu – (Mah-bow Toe-foo) – A Chinese dish made with ground beef and tofu. It is seasoned with a generous portion of ground and chopped red peppers and a soy sauce base. Usually served with or over rice.
2. Shumai – (Shoe-my) – A Chinese steamed dumpling with various fillings.
3. Shabu Shabu – (Shah-boo Shah-boo) – Beef, noodles, tofu, and vegetables cooked in boiling hot water and then dipped into different sauces. The amount of time the ingredients are in the boiling water is generally very short. The title comes from the sounds the ingredients make when “swooshed” in the water.

Osaka People

Really really rude people. Probably the rudest in all of Japan. They literally do not seem like Japanese people at all. I’ve heard they’re the fastest walkers in the world, which may contribute to this fact, but I don’t see how that makes up for this guy half my sisters size, shouldering her then talking shit like she’s the one looking for a fight.

It was funny though because Ryoko was just surprised. And then catbus ripped his face off.

“I want to take his face…off.”

Suitcase/ Shinkansen

Most of the trip, we had to take bullet trains to get to the other cities. It was the fastest way. Ryoko also packed the heaviest and bulkiest luggage she could manage, just to piss me off, even after I told her to pack light.

All the train rides were nerve wracking because there was no space for her bag, so I kept thinking it would get taken if left unattended. Then on our way down to Osaka, I found a space in the back of the train behind some seats. I grab the bag and stick it there (that's what she said) And right before the train leaves, 2 people sit down on the two chairs in front of the luggage. The dude pulls the luggage out into the middle of the aisle so he can fit a small hold-all behind the seats and fully recline the chairs. Douchebags. We talked shit all the way down to Osaka, and kept looking bag. Awkward. For them.

Cultural Note:

1. Shinkansen – (Shin-kahn-sen) – Bullet Train

Grilled Daifuku

In Kyoto, we found the greatest daifuku ever made. First off, it’s grilled, so the outside is crispy with soft mochi under it and warm anko on the inside. Wow, I’m all hot and bothered now, ha haaaa…

There were 3 flavors – Regular, Matcha, and Sweet Potato. All equally good, all equally worth masturbating over. Let’s just put it this way, I don’t think I will be able to go back to Kyoto for awhile without changing my face, or wearing gloves.

Cutlural Note:

1. Daifuku – (Die-foo-koo) – Mochi with anko inside
2. Mochi – (Moe-chee) – Pounded rice cake. The STANDARD does NOT have ice cream inside.
3. Anko – (On-co.) – Sweetened red bean paste. Similar to refried beans.

Love Me, Geisha

In Kyoto, we went to the lair of the geishas, the Gion District. Now, when you think of Japan, the first things that pop into your mind are sushi, pokemon, and of course, geishas. Sweet, succulent geishas. It reminds me a of a song…

Seeing Geishas at the Break of Dawn
So Hot’n’Bothered and Turned On
And I…
JIZZED IN MY PANTS
Got So Much White Stuff All Up On Yo Face
Coulda Swore Someone Used Bukkake Mace

… We get to the main theater where the geishas perform or hangout or whatever, and there are tons of Japanese people with cameras. No Foreigners. It was crazy. It’s like the people who get all excited over seeing the “stars” from High School Musical, except less pathetic.

Cultural Note:

1. Gion District – (Gee-on) – An artsy and old-fashioned district of Kyoto.

*Jizz In My Pants is owned by the group Lonely Island.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4pXfHLUlZf4

Kabuki

The Kabuki (Kah-boo-key) Theater, aka Kabuki-za, is the biggest Kabuki theater (maybe the only one?) in Tokyo. We bought standing room only tickets for the first act.

Kabuki is pretty much a ye-olde soap opera. Over acting, screaming, murder, etc… I guess it’s an acquired taste.

Tokyo Tower

At 333 meters. Taller than the Eiffel Tower, is … Tokyo Towerrr! The mascots look like 2 condoms.

The viewing platform has a 360° view of Tokyo, a stage for a band, a restaurant and a coffee shop. One of the coolest parts though, was the clear glass walking area where tower guests are able to look straight down to the ground. Japanese people are funny. They kept saying “Scary, Scary,” and holding the rail while walking over the glass. And those are only the ones who walked over it. Everybody else would stand at least 10 ft away, just staring at it as if they had seen a ghost…or the grudge. I couldn’t see through the glass after the Japanese people walked over it. POO POO PEE PEE! PEE PEE IN YOUR POO POO!

Cultural Note:

1. The Grudge – The remake of a Japanese horror film.

Beer Museum/ Dessert Bar/ Bakeries

In Tokyo, we went to the Yebisu Beer Museum. There we saw the beginnings of Yebisu Beer and partook in some world-renowned (terrible) beer. We even got crackers. It was during the evening too, so people were getting really wasted around us. Plus because they’re asian, their faces were almost as red as the center of the Japanese Flag.

Our next food stop was an all-you-can-eat dessert bar. A buff. Both of us love dessert. We went balls out (well I did anyways. Ryoko is a girl). They had curry and pasta there too.

Lastly and most importantly, are the bakeries. Now in addition to all the sandwiches we ate at the convenience stores, we dominated bakeries. It was standard procedure when we got in there too; got it down to a science. Find a sandwich, find a savory, and find dessert (maybe 2 if we felt like it). I don’t think I’ve ever eaten so much bakery stuff in my life before or after that trip.

Cultural Note:

1. Buff – (Boof) – Short for buffet (buh-fay) – an all-you-can-eat selection of food and drink.

Catbus /Fring Bird/ Animal T-Shirts

Our time in Tokyo has made me come (that's what she said) to fear for my life. Catbus is on the loose, the most dangerous creature known to man (in general). Not Rampant (who is the most dangerous creature known to anything with an anoose). It feeds on fear, while Rampant just feeds on genitals and balloon knots.

Fring Bird has also made its way into my life. He is the most famous bird in Japan. But he is only a danger to himself, and not to others. We found him in Shinjuku. His biography is as follows (down to the dot):

FRING BIRD
He name is “bird”
He like sleep
day, He fring sky
but, sleeping
so danger.

We cannot forget the animal t-shirts either. Different farm animals looking at dinner plates, with either themselves or other animal products on them i.e. a couple of cows are looking at a steak, chickens looking at eggs, and pigs looking at bacon. They all look sad and maybe a little MAD. Mad cow’s disease.

Cultural Note:

1. Mad Cow’s Disease – Disease found in bovine animals, developed by the animals eating feed with bovine in it.
2. Bovine – (Bow-vine) – Cow

Scarf/Man-bag

My travels into the developed parts of Japan have made me come to realize that I need a man-bag. It’s just not cool to have a backpack. So I have decided that I’m going to get a murse. A man-purse-gina.

I also realized that even if you think a scarf maybe soft, it might not be. After 2 weeks of wearing my Uniqlo women’s scarf nonstop, I got a rash on my neck. It’s not a yeast infection right?

Cultural Note:

1. Yeast Infection – Ask a girl/ Doctor

Tsukiji Fish Market/ “Somethin' smells fishy and I don't know what/ But I got a hunch it's your lady”

One of the biggest tourist attractions in Tokyo is the Tsukiji Fish Market. They have auctions for 1,000 lb tuna which go for 1,000’s of bucks. Crazy.

We got there around 4, because that’s when the auctions start. We find a cop to get the exact location. He tells us, but when we get to the front, it’s closed off to tourists for a month. He didn’t tell us that. Bitch. Major beeyotch. So we take the first train back to the hotel and sleep for a couple more hours.

Then we go back later in the morning and eat the best sushi I’ve ever had. All maguro. Seared, semi-toro, full toro. Plus we got this shrimp head miso soup. I named mine pinky.

Cultural Note:

1. Tsukiji Fish Market – (Tsu-key-jee) – Biggest fish market in the world. Said to have the freshest fish in the world.
2. Maguro – (Mah-goo-row) – Tuna
3. Toro – (Toe-row) – Fatty

Disney Sea

It’s the most expensive Disney park ever created. That’s why they have one of the coolest attractions ever! The Ancient Galleon! Which has cannons and special quarters for the crew and cargo. Now it sounds awesome, I know, but the cannons shoot smoke! They’re aimed at the harbor in the center of the park, so you can shoot oncoming boats i.e. Gondolas and Steamboat Ferries. Unfortunately, none of these seafaring vehicles could be sunk, but they were scared out of their wits. I might have to call my Kraken. It really was cool though.

They also have Journey to the Center of the Earth. This is easily the best ride there. It starts out slow like the Dinosaur ride at Knott’s, but at the end, before you get eaten by a giant (liquid hot) magma alien bug, the car launches forward like one of those car chases on COPS. It’s pitch black during this until you hit a peak and then fly down a huge drop. A+ (A PRUS).

Disney Sea is also home to the most diverse flavored popcorn I’ve ever eaten. Salt, Caramel, Chocolate, Strawberry, Cappuccino, Black Pepper, and good old fashioned Butter. They even have a special flavor next to the submarine ride, Seaman popcorn. We ate all but the butter and seaman/salt ones throughout the day. And I can say this with all the honesty of a guy who goes to Disneyland just to watch kids and touch himself, that the food there is much better than any Disney Park I’ve been to.

Cultural Note:

1. Kraken – (Kray-Ken) – An ancient monster squid, which hunts Sperm…whales and ships.
2. Dinosaur Ride at Knott’s – One of the oldest rides at Knott’s Berry Farm Theme Park. Based on H.G. Wells’ novella “The Time Machine.”
3. Liquid hot magma – Only the hottest substance known to man. Hotter than the sun, and ugly girls when you’re drunk.

Ghibli Museum

One of the most interesting places we visited during our time in Tokyo was the Ghibli Museum. It’s a step into the Ghibli Studios fantasy world. Everything’s themed, even the bathrooms. So it makes it really weird to see a cartoon face looking down at your…thingy.

Every adventurer gets a ticket to watch an exclusive screening of a Ghibli short. We watched “Koro’s Day Out.” It’s about a dog who’s pissing everywhere, almost getting hit by cars, and stealing other dogs’ food. It’s basically watching True Life: I’m homeless in Downtown L.A. (Minus the drugs).

Then on the roof, there is a huge robot statue. This thing is REALLY big. Yes, bigger than Yao Ming and that guy from Big Fish. But it is smaller than one thing – Blackzilla.

After that, we made our way to the Catbus playground. It seemed so fun and carefree ☺…except for the fact that Catbus was waiting. Biding it’s time, until it rips off those little kids’ faces who are jumping all over him. Bad Kitty.

The shop is what got me. So listen to this: they have real products at unBERIEVABRE prices. They priced a zip up sweatshirt at $200. They must be living in a fantasy world.

Cultural Note:

1. Ghibli Studios – (Jih-blee) – Famous Japanese film studio that makes animated films similar to Walt Disney back home.
2. Yao Ming – Tallest Player in the NBA.
3. Blackzilla – Porn star.
4. Catbus – Catbus is one of the featured characters in the animated film “ My Neighbor Totoro.” It’s name is self-explanatory.

Watership Down

I’m reading Watership Down now. The writing style is really funny. The author acts as if he’s in a secret society revolving around rabbit culture. Yes rabbit culture. “The Secret Lives of Rabbits.” You think you know, but you have no idea. This is the true life of rabbits. He goes into rabbit mythology and discusses games like Bob-stones, where the rabbit covers the stones with his paw, and the other rabbit must guess how many are under it. Better than Monopoly.

Toyoko Inn

We stayed at the Toyoko Inn for the duration of our travels in Japan. We got a huge discount because we stayed for long periods (ewww) at a time. We also joined the Toyoko Inn Member Club and got free towels when we went to different hotels.

For the month of Dec/Jan, they were playing the two most critically acclaimed movies of 2008: Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull as well as the epic science fiction fantasy Charlie Wilson’s War. And although we had seen them about 100 times each, whenever they weren’t playing, we would get pissed.

They also gave out a complimentary breakfast every morning, which consisted of miso soup and rice balls. Ryoko never missed a meal.

Cultural Note:

1. Toyoko Inn – (Toe-Yo-Co.) – Budget Hotel