Sunday, February 22, 2009

Christmas Vacation

For the Holiday Season, my sister came to Japan for the 1st time. While I had done this tour before, it was much different this time around. Mainly because I was able to relax with someone like myself, instead of with a group of 30-somethings who only wanted to
visit maid cafes and Akihabara porn shops. However, because we did things that non-Japanese girl-Lesbian-Anime-Porn obsessed people do, we were being stalked by an even more sweaty and crazed menace… Catbus.

These blogs will document our travels into Japan’s underworld and our eventual salvation at the hands of Fring Bird. Enjoy.

Cultural Notes

None. Items will be referenced in the following blogs.

Nara Deer

In Nara, there are a ton of temples. The whole place is a cultural heritage site. Really, it’s just a huge park with temples all over…and DEER. Random. Ass. DEER. Frolicking about. Bambi.

As we walked, we discovered the first sign of the beasts based on their droppings: too big for a rabbit, but too clumpy to be a dog. This = Deer.

So we found a vendor selling deer bait (stale old senbei), and lured those buggers into our trap. Our petting trap. But then we were overwhelmed. Ryoko got scared, but she didn’t know the secret to getting them off. A swift kick in the cahones. And in the case of a girl deer, aim for the vaj.

Cultural Note:

1. Senbei – (Sen-bay) – Rice Cracker

Chinese food/ Pizza Hut/ Shabu Shabu (Osaka Food)

The Chinese food in Osaka is exceptional, but I think it’s only because it tastes a lot like the Chinese back home. We ate Mabo Tofu, grilled vegetables, and some shumai. The only problem was that it was run by Chinese people. And despite it being Japan, this close to China… you never know what’s going into that food…do…ca…pand… MSG! NOOO!

I also had Pizza Hut for the first time in years. It was amazing.

Shabu Shabu is a pretty good local specialty too. The great thing about shabu shabu is the peanut sauce. It might even be better than yakiniku sex sauce. I was putting peanut sauce on everything, including my nipples. I ruined my shirt.

Cultural Note:

1. Mabo Tofu – (Mah-bow Toe-foo) – A Chinese dish made with ground beef and tofu. It is seasoned with a generous portion of ground and chopped red peppers and a soy sauce base. Usually served with or over rice.
2. Shumai – (Shoe-my) – A Chinese steamed dumpling with various fillings.
3. Shabu Shabu – (Shah-boo Shah-boo) – Beef, noodles, tofu, and vegetables cooked in boiling hot water and then dipped into different sauces. The amount of time the ingredients are in the boiling water is generally very short. The title comes from the sounds the ingredients make when “swooshed” in the water.

Osaka People

Really really rude people. Probably the rudest in all of Japan. They literally do not seem like Japanese people at all. I’ve heard they’re the fastest walkers in the world, which may contribute to this fact, but I don’t see how that makes up for this guy half my sisters size, shouldering her then talking shit like she’s the one looking for a fight.

It was funny though because Ryoko was just surprised. And then catbus ripped his face off.

“I want to take his face…off.”

Suitcase/ Shinkansen

Most of the trip, we had to take bullet trains to get to the other cities. It was the fastest way. Ryoko also packed the heaviest and bulkiest luggage she could manage, just to piss me off, even after I told her to pack light.

All the train rides were nerve wracking because there was no space for her bag, so I kept thinking it would get taken if left unattended. Then on our way down to Osaka, I found a space in the back of the train behind some seats. I grab the bag and stick it there (that's what she said) And right before the train leaves, 2 people sit down on the two chairs in front of the luggage. The dude pulls the luggage out into the middle of the aisle so he can fit a small hold-all behind the seats and fully recline the chairs. Douchebags. We talked shit all the way down to Osaka, and kept looking bag. Awkward. For them.

Cultural Note:

1. Shinkansen – (Shin-kahn-sen) – Bullet Train

Grilled Daifuku

In Kyoto, we found the greatest daifuku ever made. First off, it’s grilled, so the outside is crispy with soft mochi under it and warm anko on the inside. Wow, I’m all hot and bothered now, ha haaaa…

There were 3 flavors – Regular, Matcha, and Sweet Potato. All equally good, all equally worth masturbating over. Let’s just put it this way, I don’t think I will be able to go back to Kyoto for awhile without changing my face, or wearing gloves.

Cutlural Note:

1. Daifuku – (Die-foo-koo) – Mochi with anko inside
2. Mochi – (Moe-chee) – Pounded rice cake. The STANDARD does NOT have ice cream inside.
3. Anko – (On-co.) – Sweetened red bean paste. Similar to refried beans.

Love Me, Geisha

In Kyoto, we went to the lair of the geishas, the Gion District. Now, when you think of Japan, the first things that pop into your mind are sushi, pokemon, and of course, geishas. Sweet, succulent geishas. It reminds me a of a song…

Seeing Geishas at the Break of Dawn
So Hot’n’Bothered and Turned On
And I…
Got So Much White Stuff All Up On Yo Face
Coulda Swore Someone Used Bukkake Mace

… We get to the main theater where the geishas perform or hangout or whatever, and there are tons of Japanese people with cameras. No Foreigners. It was crazy. It’s like the people who get all excited over seeing the “stars” from High School Musical, except less pathetic.

Cultural Note:

1. Gion District – (Gee-on) – An artsy and old-fashioned district of Kyoto.

*Jizz In My Pants is owned by the group Lonely Island.